Emerge on the Other Side

woman on comfy bed

Sometimes you won’t know what you want.

Sometimes all you can do is unplug, hibernate, and ride the wave.

There were times in the past where I definitely wanted to hibernate for weeks, and I did. I didn’t feel social, and all I wanted was to snuggle into my comfy clothes and write, draw, and cry. And I did this. But not without tremendous guilt of how I “should be” doing A, B, or C. It’s as if I wanted someone else to tell me “it’s okay, you can take a break”, but that advice never came. At least, not from society.

In American culture, you’re expected to produce. Constantly and consistently. We focus tons of time and energy on “productivity” and “saving time”; ironic, isn’t it? Because time is basically all we have. Our time here and now, in the present moment.

If you’re experiencing a dark time now, please, spend time in bed. Binge watch all the seasons of your favorite show. Eat apples and peanut butter and olives and chocolate. Let yourself feel, rest, cry, and go into hibernation mode in your blanket fort if that’s what’s calling you. If that’s what your body and mind wants and needs.

Give yourself permission to transform. Wrap yourself in your cocoon and go through the pain of transformation. This is your time. Don’t rush. Don’t rush your process on someone else’s clock — their definitions of time are different from yours.

The second time I went through a transformative, hibernative experience, things were different. I think it was a combination of the people who had left my life and come into my life at the time, but I was beyond grateful to give myself permission and not feel guilty about where I was. In the scheme of things, it’s what? ONE MONTH? Big. F-ing. Deal.

I fully let myself be where I was; to process, write, be simultaneously okay and so not okay. But when I came out on the other side, life was much brighter than I had remembered it.

As a lovely friend put it: “transformation hurts.”

This is YOUR unique experience! Know that this time is finite. You won’t always want to sleep in until noon, or stay in pajamas all day. But you want to now. And maybe for the next two months. There are no rules. So heed to your heart’s calling.

Take some time off of over-extending yourself and filling your schedule with obligations. Spend your mornings sleeping in and spend your afternoons writing. Get through it. Rest. Recede.

And when you’re ready — and I promise that you will be, in your own time — you’ll emerge, brighter than before, on the Other Side.




Make a Mistake in Love?

Whenever you’re unsure if you’ve made a mistake in love, look at two things:

  1. Your private Pinterest board where you pinned all the quotes that you stayed up and cried all night while reading, about your lover only being half there, and don’t you dare hold my heart hostage.
  2. The empty space where the lover would be standing, if they cared to fix it.

…Move On, Beautiful.

Divine Intervention

writing a letter

Last night I had dreams of driving a big van
With a full shade over the windshield
And at times I feel lost
As if, yeah, that was really me!
Floating through the atmosphere or
Morning stream-of-mind
But driving forward blind

For divine intervention
To pull me out from under all this
Disappointment and depression
Internal dishonesty is my confession.

What I want is the chance to be real and free
And if I may also have some financial security
And how long can it be
Til I turn away from my screen and see peace within me?

I keep my phone off at night and
Set an alarm in my mind
And because of Facebook deactivation
I rise up and think of a future destination
Keep the waves out of my head and instead
Of looking at who what where and when

I look at NOW
And I feel and write and cry and oh, there’s WHY and HOW
But from my heart hopeful and filled with faith
Extinguishes the fear that debilitates
And keeps my heart frozen
Where it yearns to escape.

There are going to be down times my love
And there will be pain and setbacks
This experience ain’t like the movies
It ain’t a fucking romantic comedy
And don’t go filling your mind with that, child
Because you’ll come out disappointed as fuck on the other side

After you’ve watched the blood drip down your wrist
When you learn that no one fucking shape-shifts
To your wants and perceptions and we ALL HAVE imperfections
So instead of teaching youth the real lessons
We let movies and pop music infuse them with the wrong messages

Our phones are especially toxic
Apps out the ass and so much precious time wasted
But what if tweaking small habits
Really leads to major changes
Should we sit and argue evolution and free will or
Try to fucking prove it?
You think there’s a set fucking plan and we’re just living through it?

NO, I have a choice and I can choose and I do choose and I will live the way that I choose
And I dream of cloudy days in the the Northwest for a season
With no guilt for staying in because the rain will be my reason
And I’m allowed to change my mind and experiment with my body and brain
Live as my own Creator!

For if god indeed does live within me I can conjure It Him Her
Please don’t confine god to a gender, isn’t that an insult?
Change the way you think and imagine and see the future!
Instead of a murky screen of vague ideas and
Floating on forward
You can adjust your power and cultivate the desire to take action
Sounds so fucking hard doesn’t it?

You mean I must exert energy, effort or else it all stays the same?!
Well yes and do you want your idea of your daily
Atmosphere to be a contrived environment that you’ve visited a million times
Don’t stand for anything less
Trust yourself and be careful what you wish
Be patient and kind
And dream and create it first in your mind
And most of all don’t give up
Be intentional
Take your time
This body and life is a gift of mine sent from the divine

Post Your Dreams or They Aren’t Real

I wake again

Forget all my dreams

From last night’s slumber and any future vision

No, now I recall…

I was fighting for my Voice

Turned against by friends because I posted some comments online

That I thought were fine

But these people were offended and running away

Rejecting my efforts to make justifications

And I chased after them to defend my position.

Morning alarm sounds

I hit snooze then stay up and scroll through

Everyone Doing All The Things

Making movies and fashioning sculptures and laser cutting gigantic wooden maps

And 3D printing toys and silversmithing rings and I have no skills

At least that’s how it feels

They’re dancing on beaches and surfing waves and shouting out from tropical hotel rooms

I unplug my brain from the array of

Everyone Doing Bigger and Better Things Than I Am

And remember that grass is greener

Because we still carry our souls wherever we go

And pour them into what we create and how we move and speak.

I roll out my yoga mat and don’t set up a camera

I practice crow pose and hold it for 20 seconds this time and no one will know

I create a beautiful nourishing meal that no one will see

My phone lays out of view solitarily

I put on cute clothes but before this I look at myself in the mirror and notice that

My butt looks decent today and I think I see some results of good diet and exercise

I go for a walk through trees and grass and breeze and skies and gravestones

But this all remains my little secret

It’s real and valid even if only my eyes can see it

But an urge to post still pokes at me

Now the screen and camera lens coated in showmanship and braggery

Cries for other eyes to view me as I’m viewing myself

Proud, progressing and confident

But does posting publicly add a new destructive element created by technology?

Of satisfying a nagging need for approval

A contrived unit of measuring worth

Comparing how I see myself versus how They see me

What long-term good can this external projection be

It’s a fleeting high

And when it wears off we must go chasing again

The next round of likes, approvals and validations

Does it steal a bit of our heart and soul and body and mind

Or do we give it away willingly as obliged by

This digital prison that from the outside

Seems so damn free?


Last night I read her poetry and cried

for years ago a love within her heart had died

and for this I identified

and saw it all differently.

And now it is his heart that bleeds

and yearns for Her song to fill his needs

and she may provide without taking heed

to the turmoil within.

Or is it the turmoil in me

talking as if it has room to speak

but really it is I who need a heart

to heal my crumbling, broken being?

I write it because I’m scared to speak it

and the month I’ve been waiting for has arrived

and while she sings him lullabies

I cut myself and watch my life

bleed out of me

and onto the cold floor

and pools of crimson fill my eyes

and the alchemy of these combine

to create a new element caused by

the bittersweet release.

I’m not alone!

I yell and scream

I have all I need I try to believe

Fuck this same scenery

I can find inspiration

if I allow it to be.

Tiny House Journey

Today’s topic somewhat relates to MINIMALISM. It’s a topic I feel passionate about, and I have an inkling that I’ll be revisiting this one again and again. After all, the idea is pretty ingrained in my day-to-day life, and I think it’s incredibly fun and interesting to live by minimizing the excess.

I live in a 300-square-foot tiny house in an unsuspecting location (along a historic, “downtown” residential street, surrounded by two-story homes). Note the quotations around “downtown.” This is because we don’t even have a coffee shop and most businesses are closed by 7pm any night of the week. Anyway… Tiny House.

Living in one room may not sound like a dream come true to many, but it was for me. When I found it, it was kinda like magic manifested into a teeny dwelling that I knew needed to be mine from the moment I saw its photo on craigslist (with a “for rent” caption). Just a couple days later, I was moved in and started the Tiny House Journey (I just named it that right now, but it has a nice ring to it, so there it is). Dwelling love at first sight.

I had just moved from across the country, and I had just one car-full of belongings. If you were downsizing from a larger home, you might (will) face a lot more challenges than I did. But for me, since I didn’t have much to begin with, it’s been pretty easy and yes FUN to put a few minimalist ideas into action.

What’s the deal with this annoying word “minimalism” anyway? Well, I happen to like the word. It’s just… simple. But the essence of minimalism has been covered by many other people, so I don’t think I need to explain again (but here’s a fun FAQ that’s been-there-done-that: http://mnmlist.com/minimalist-faqs/)

I’ll just ask you something: what do you REALLY need to live comfortably?

I guarantee you it’s with A LOT LESS STUFF than you’re currently thinking.

One thing I love about living in a tiny space is that it forces you to see things differently. Each corner of the room and each foot of space is important. It challenges you to be alone with yourself. To think creatively. To weed out all the stuff that accumulates and takes up precious space in your living areas AND in your mind. I have ENOUGH thoughts soaring through my brain, I don’t need to add more from visual clutter and unmanageable belongings.

I actually foresee many of the tactics I’ve employed in this home working for me over time in any dwelling, even when I no longer live in Tiny House (at least not this one). I hope that by sharing what worked and is working for me, you might be able to find value in something I’ve discovered and tweak it to work for your unique situation.

Stay tuned…



Calming Disordered Thoughts

Ever feel like your mind is in a thousand places at once?

I know I feel this way quite a bit! When I’m feeling overwhelmed and the thoughts in my head are fighting for my attention, I use the following “spell” to calm my mind and refocus. This allows me to move forward with my day more intentionally, and I feel a sense of greater purpose.

You’ll need:

  1. a quiet place
  2. a candle and matches/lighter
  3. a piece of paper
  4. a writing utensil in blue or purple
  5. an image of this rune symbol to draw:

disordered thoughts

Sit in a quiet place (I prefer to sit on a pillow on the floor), light the candle, and take a deep breath to center yourself. Draw the rune symbol (pictured above) on the piece of paper. As you’re creating the lines, speak the following (aloud or silently in your mind):

I restore serenity and order into my life.

My thoughts flow slowly, freely, and meaningfully.

I am calm, collected, and happy.

(repeat as needed)

As you repeat the mantra, continue to draw or re-trace the rune as many times as you like.

The point is to feel the calming effects, so take your time!

Once you’ve reached that calming state and your thoughts are beginning to take order, your work is done. Breathe deeply once more and blow out the candle flame. Simple as that!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this simple process- you can return to it anytime you need to infuse your day with serenity and simplicity.