Divine Intervention

writing a letter

7:30am
Last night I had dreams of driving a big van
With a full shade over the windshield
And at times I feel lost
As if, yeah, that was really me!
Floating through the atmosphere or
Morning stream-of-mind
But driving forward blind

Waiting!
For divine intervention
Inspiration
To pull me out from under all this
Expectation
Disappointment and depression
Internal dishonesty is my confession.

What I want is the chance to be real and free
And if I may also have some financial security
And how long can it be
Til I turn away from my screen and see peace within me?

I keep my phone off at night and
Set an alarm in my mind
And because of Facebook deactivation
I rise up and think of a future destination
Keep the waves out of my head and instead
Of looking at who what where and when

I look at NOW
And I feel and write and cry and oh, there’s WHY and HOW
But from my heart hopeful and filled with faith
Extinguishes the fear that debilitates
And keeps my heart frozen
Where it yearns to escape.

There are going to be down times my love
And there will be pain and setbacks
This experience ain’t like the movies
It ain’t a fucking romantic comedy
And don’t go filling your mind with that, child
Because you’ll come out disappointed as fuck on the other side

After you’ve watched the blood drip down your wrist
When you learn that no one fucking shape-shifts
To your wants and perceptions and we ALL HAVE imperfections
So instead of teaching youth the real lessons
We let movies and pop music infuse them with the wrong messages

Our phones are especially toxic
Apps out the ass and so much precious time wasted
But what if tweaking small habits
Really leads to major changes
Should we sit and argue evolution and free will or
Try to fucking prove it?
You think there’s a set fucking plan and we’re just living through it?

NO, I have a choice and I can choose and I do choose and I will live the way that I choose
And I dream of cloudy days in the the Northwest for a season
With no guilt for staying in because the rain will be my reason
And I’m allowed to change my mind and experiment with my body and brain
Live as my own Creator!

For if god indeed does live within me I can conjure It Him Her
Please don’t confine god to a gender, isn’t that an insult?
Change the way you think and imagine and see the future!
Instead of a murky screen of vague ideas and
Floating on forward
You can adjust your power and cultivate the desire to take action
Sounds so fucking hard doesn’t it?

Ugh
You mean I must exert energy, effort or else it all stays the same?!
Well yes and do you want your idea of your daily
Atmosphere to be a contrived environment that you’ve visited a million times
Don’t stand for anything less
Trust yourself and be careful what you wish
Be patient and kind
And dream and create it first in your mind
And most of all don’t give up
Be intentional
Take your time
This body and life is a gift of mine sent from the divine

Poetry

Last night I read her poetry and cried

for years ago a love within her heart had died

and for this I identified

and saw it all differently.

And now it is his heart that bleeds

and yearns for Her song to fill his needs

and she may provide without taking heed

to the turmoil within.

Or is it the turmoil in me

talking as if it has room to speak

but really it is I who need a heart

to heal my crumbling, broken being?

I write it because I’m scared to speak it

and the month I’ve been waiting for has arrived

and while she sings him lullabies

I cut myself and watch my life

bleed out of me

and onto the cold floor

and pools of crimson fill my eyes

and the alchemy of these combine

to create a new element caused by

the bittersweet release.

I’m not alone!

I yell and scream

I have all I need I try to believe

Fuck this same scenery

I can find inspiration

if I allow it to be.